His demon part 1.

diary enty, domestic violence, journal, mental health

I never wrote about the man I loved, and still do. He had a gentle heart, a good heart, he made me laugh and smile. He was there when I needed to talk to someone, I loved putting a smile on his face tooo. But then he showed me his darkness, the trauma from his childhood and the trauma from the one he once loved had consumed a part of his mind. There were moments in his life on a day to day basis that would trigger him, he would show his inner demons to the one he claimed to have loved the most, me.

Manual handling… The weight

journal, mental health

Imagine.. Imagine a box can be any size, it fits all of your current aches, stresses and problems, it’s heavy so heavy. There there is you feeling weak, tired, stressed and exhausted. But without giving up and walking about you try to move this box, you push, you pull, you lean up against realising it’s way too much for you. So, you ask for help, think safety first, psychological safety and well can be physical too.. You are not weak for asking for help, instead you feel supported. One person may help you, may give you resources and ways to make this box lighter or maybe more than one person..

Sometimes it’s about the journey more so the destination, they come hand in hand. I’ll let you work that one out..

So back to the box, people have come to help, it becomes an easier experience for you.. You start to feel lighter and you roll with it. The box may just disappear. I find the box becomes lighter and the little things haven’t piled up again.

Let’s talk about bad days

mental health, personal

Let’s talk about bad days, you may start off by feeling like you are the only one having the worst day and it can start off when you first wake in the morning. You’ve found previously the day would get better but this one bad thing ends up leaving you with a bad day where you feel nothing is going right. Of course you think you are the only one..

But let’s face it you are not the only one having a bad day, the one who speaks to you with frustration may also be dealing with something personally, the ones around you may not be having plans go the way they expected them to go and you start to realise it’s definitely not just you.

Personal experience

Well, I woke up feeling tired and not satisfied with the amount of sleep I got. I went to work not realising the roster was different to usual and some had to set up early so there I was freaking out that I was late and the keys weren’t in there usual spot. I was able to seek reassurance from a co worker that it was fine. Minf you on the way to work I had forgotten my UHF, so I had to turn around to go home. I’m also sensitive to the tones of peoples voices so that didnt help, especially when they became frustrated.

My tea fell off the barrier when it was moved but the person replaced it for me. Didn’t have to but I appreciated it.

I work in civil construction.

Reminder

If you are having a bad day try and remember you may not be the only one..

Note for recovery

personal, Relationships

When you wake up and smell the rose it’s puts your brain in some other dimension. Mindfulness. It allows you to sit back and smile. This week the universe gave us a test that brought on alot of stress, stress we were not prepared for. But we are still surviving and you know not what I am pretty much thankful for the way my partner has been helping me out during my time of ‘survery’ and ‘recovery’. I know the poor me card was drawn a few times by me, which I apologise for cause it’s embarrassing to look back at. But wholy fuck my partner still gets up and goes to work, comes home and gets dinner ready, we have clean clothes and towels cause he washed them all and he is still able to make sure I am okay in my recovery. I mean that’s alot to do on your own whilst the other one is not well and fit. I guess what I am trying to say is, I love the things he is doing to support me during this time for the both of us. One day if I never had to do the same for him I’d do it too because I love him. ❤️🌻 & I am so grateful to have him in my life.

The butterfly Story

beauty, mental health, personal

Have you ever heard the story about the butterflies? The ones kept in a cage, they were safe from danger and harm, the were protected from the outside world. They were well fed and looked after.

One day one someone left the lock on the cage unlocked, and there was an opening to leave, all except one butterfly stayed. The ones who stayed looked puzzled and never understood why that one butterfly wanted to leave an environment where they felt safe and looked after. They asked, “Why would you leave when it’s safer in here…?”

That one butterfly replied with., “because I’m free.”

I know these arnt butterfly wings.

If you have a chance think about it, how did you interpret this story? Did make you think about something in your life right now or something in the past? What is freedom to you?

Adapt

mental health

How do you cope with change? Does the word make you cringe? We go through change from the day we were born, however it’s not easy for some of us. We cant avoid it, if the change is made to be positive and exciting, you may find yourself curious yet your nerves or anxiety may be triggered.

During this time of age it’s okay to feel the way you are feeling, do the best you can do to adapt to the change. For me, I’ve recently moved away from home and wow my anxiety is high. So I’m learning to adapt.

Right now I am having some down time, tears and relaxing music, I’ll have a cup of tear. I’ve put unpacking to the side for a while because I need a break. Taking a step back, to breathe or meditate when anxiety us high is recommended.

Other ideas to adjust/adapt…

Create a safe place in your home where you can relax and take a break. Write your thoughts down or start a blog. Have a shower or bath. Warm drinks help me. Paint or draw. Put in relaxing music. Create some form of routine. Read. Have time to your self. Be with nature. Cuddle someone you love.

Take a step back and observe the situation. Think of strategies to handle that is positive. Remind yourself that you need to accept the things you can not change, but you can adapt.

Think about it

personal

Are you stressed, overwhelmed or is it anxiety? What is your current situation that may have brought these feelings on? How can you respond positively to reduce “explosion” (making things worse)

Personal

So I suffer from a personality disorder, and I’ve started a new job which can be quite stressful. I was overwhelmed and my eyes were watering but I kept breathing, when I’m overwhelmed anxiety hangs around and I had to ask for help and that is okay. Remind yourself asking for help does not mean you can’t do your job. It does not mean you are weak, we are not perfect. Usually I would avoid work for a few days after a stressful situation but not this time, Im going back tomorrow because I like to remind myself that tomorrow is a different day.

Remind

Breathe, take a step back and evaluate the situation, the chain of events, put in place strategies that have previously worked or something you’d like to try that may help you, accept you are doing the best you can, there will be support around you just ask, praise yourself about what you have achieved to get through this.

Tug of war vs realisation

personal

I don’t like change but I don’t like events in my life that I can not change. I need to keep reminding myself that there will be things in my life that I cannot change and yes it may set me back or put a hold on things, but just as proven previously I can get through it, whatever it is.
Today I said out loud, “I need to accept the things I cannot change. I need the courage to change the things I Can to help me through the things I cannot change…”