A girl with a fragile heart, never actually heals, she just tries to survive.
Have you ever looked at someone else’s family and thought wow they are so beautiful? Just the way they seem to work together, be together and just love each other. If you missed out on that with your own family then you’d know it felt for me seeing a beautiful family. JEALOUS yet the sad kind, the feeling you get when you feel tears come from your own heart. The worst part is the flashbacks from growing up as the imposter, the one who didn’t fit in. The one who felt left out of all three families. Mums side, dads side and the step dads side.
I can see where my partners beautiful nature comes from, and standing back and watching him be with his family makes me smile, makes my heart melt. It’s wonderful, they don’t judge you on your appearance or the choices you make, they still laugh with you, comfort you and support you. I see where my partner got those traits from.
Personally I am scared of the unknown, I’m not use to this. For me growing up and now I feel that I missed out on what my partner has. As I watch what he has and think about what I’m use to I realize that hiding in a bedroom, crying and writing about it isn’t going to solve anything. Maybe, should tell him why I get so overwhelmed and have to be alone. In which I’m use to doing things on my own & this beautiful family do it together. I’m still learning as a adult.
I just want to get a pen and paper and write… I mean who really wants to hear my random racing thoughts? Most of the time I don’t even want to think about the thoughts cause there is no importance behind it. I mean yes I am easily amused, I like to analyse and problems solve and I like to find a way to make a negative situation positive. But being an over thinker can be extremely tiring for me, I find it hard work. I also find it comes in handy especially working in an industry where attention to detail is highly important.
I have realized that when my brain is trying to process alot, I struggle to find something to blog about. So many things inspire me, I don’t just have one Hobbie, I have many, I just don’t have a few ideas, I have heaps and trying to mold it all into one is was I aim to do on here. As I find having this blog actually helps me with over thinking and expressing.
Re Wiring the Brain
I’m no mental health genius but I do have experience, which I enjoy sharing with my followers, friends & family, hoping to enlighten them. I did overall 18months of Dialectical Behavior Therapy(DBT) & that I do recommend!
Majority of the time we view over thinking as some what negative, but imagine if you had the ability to re wire your brain into making the situation positive, or just looking at it positively. PROBLEM SOLVING. Belive me when I say this skill does not happen over night and can enable one to become physically and mentally exhausted, however it has worked for me.
If you managed to get to the bottom of this post and you have questions feel free to ask, I’ll answer the best I can.
What makes you feel at peace? What do you feel connected to? What is your high power?
I’ve been wanting to make a post about what I believe is my higher power, what brings peace to my inner self. No, it’s not God, although I believe myself to be quite spiritual. My high power is known as nature. Our plants.
Near my house there is a nursery, on my days off I take go on my lonesome and sit within, with the plants.
“We plant a garden as we believe in tomorrow.”
Let’s talk about bad days, you may start off by feeling like you are the only one having the worst day and it can start off when you first wake in the morning. You’ve found previously the day would get better but this one bad thing ends up leaving you with a bad day where you feel nothing is going right. Of course you think you are the only one..
But let’s face it you are not the only one having a bad day, the one who speaks to you with frustration may also be dealing with something personally, the ones around you may not be having plans go the way they expected them to go and you start to realise it’s definitely not just you.
Well, I woke up feeling tired and not satisfied with the amount of sleep I got. I went to work not realising the roster was different to usual and some had to set up early so there I was freaking out that I was late and the keys weren’t in there usual spot. I was able to seek reassurance from a co worker that it was fine. Minf you on the way to work I had forgotten my UHF, so I had to turn around to go home. I’m also sensitive to the tones of peoples voices so that didnt help, especially when they became frustrated.
My tea fell off the barrier when it was moved but the person replaced it for me. Didn’t have to but I appreciated it.
If you are having a bad day try and remember you may not be the only one..
When you wake up and smell the rose it’s puts your brain in some other dimension. Mindfulness. It allows you to sit back and smile. This week the universe gave us a test that brought on alot of stress, stress we were not prepared for. But we are still surviving and you know not what I am pretty much thankful for the way my partner has been helping me out during my time of ‘survive’ and ‘recovery’. I know the poor me card was drawn a few times by me, which I apologise for cause it’s embarrassing to look back at. But wholy fuck my partner still gets up and goes to work, comes home and gets dinner ready, we have clean clothes and towels cause he washed them all and he is still able to make sure I am okay in my recovery. I mean that’s alot to do on your own whilst the other one is not well and fit. I guess what I am trying to say is, I love the things he is doing to support me during this time for the both of us. One day if I never had to do the same for him I’d do it too because I love him. ❤️🌻 & I am so grateful to have him in my life.
Day 8 of 2021 and I’m just starting to set goals for the year, I really wanted to write them down but I’ve chosen to blog them. DAY EIGHT and I’m just sorting out my new years resolution, possibly a bit late and do people usually share them with others?
New Years Resolution One.
I have decided to go completely sober. I’m doing this for my health, I was never a huge alcohol drinker however since moving out of home I drank a little more than normal. Since being sick in hospital with pancreaitis and gallstones I have decided to cease alcohol. It’s going to be hard as I recently started to drink for the reason of me being sad but I know I am better than that. As a recovering drug addict who is 9 months and 23 days clean I somehow managed to believe alcohol was going to make me happy, instead it was one of many reasons of ended up in hospital, so that’s why I’ve decided to accept this challenge. If I have to go back to my support groups I will.
New Years Resolution Two
Start trauma counselling. Uhm yeah that’s going to be super hard and very emotional.
New Years Resolution Three
Start getting up every morning in my days off work and start walking. Ever since being in hospital I have come to terms on how good walking is good for me and I need to stop being lazy
I will make sure I keep up with my blogging, which may end up being journal entries, hope you don’t mind. Might gain a little insp for yourselves.
It’s peaceful, I feel at peace with being in hospital. I’ve developed a routine to help with my mental health. I get up and do a few laps of the ward, read the information on the wall. Look at the nurses/doctor pet wall everytime and smile. For the love of animals it’s my favourite wall.
I’m in the green ward my grandmothers, my partners and mums favourite colour, also the colour of nature. No ones asked me questions or given me topic to write about but I’m starting to feel a sense of brain power again. I’m very lucky to be getting better and to be classed as Independent here. I feel sorry for the elderly who can’t get up to go to the toilet, brings back memeries of when grandma was sick. I honestly have no idea how she was able to still hold on to her inner strength, but she’s taught me something and so has my grandfather.
Pa taught me, “if you don’t need strong pain killers, then you don’t need strong pain killers. Get use to the random aches if you are able to manage…” sometimes as much as the elderly ways annoyed me I believe they have helped me to survive this sickness.
You are all probably wondering what sickness I am on about..
I’m 28, I have acute pancreaitis and a few gallstones. I’ll be going into surgery to have my gallbladder removed.
The nurses here are great and I do let them know I suffer severe anxiety so bare with me…
What do you write about when your in hospital..? I mean I like blogging and writing but I need some inspiration.. So my dear followers. Do you have any questions?