I never wrote about the man I loved, and still do. He had a gentle heart, a good heart, he made me laugh and smile. He was there when I needed to talk to someone, I loved putting a smile on his face tooo. But then he showed me his darkness, the trauma from his childhood and the trauma from the one he once loved had consumed a part of his mind. There were moments in his life on a day to day basis that would trigger him, he would show his inner demons to the one he claimed to have loved the most, me.
Imagine.. Imagine a box can be any size, it fits all of your current aches, stresses and problems, it’s heavy so heavy. There there is you feeling weak, tired, stressed and exhausted. But without giving up and walking about you try to move this box, you push, you pull, you lean up against realising it’s way too much for you. So, you ask for help, think safety first, psychological safety and well can be physical too.. You are not weak for asking for help, instead you feel supported. One person may help you, may give you resources and ways to make this box lighter or maybe more than one person..
Sometimes it’s about the journey more so the destination, they come hand in hand. I’ll let you work that one out..
So back to the box, people have come to help, it becomes an easier experience for you.. You start to feel lighter and you roll with it. The box may just disappear. I find the box becomes lighter and the little things haven’t piled up again.
Let’s talk about bad days, you may start off by feeling like you are the only one having the worst day and it can start off when you first wake in the morning. You’ve found previously the day would get better but this one bad thing ends up leaving you with a bad day where you feel nothing is going right. Of course you think you are the only one..
But let’s face it you are not the only one having a bad day, the one who speaks to you with frustration may also be dealing with something personally, the ones around you may not be having plans go the way they expected them to go and you start to realise it’s definitely not just you.
Well, I woke up feeling tired and not satisfied with the amount of sleep I got. I went to work not realising the roster was different to usual and some had to set up early so there I was freaking out that I was late and the keys weren’t in there usual spot. I was able to seek reassurance from a co worker that it was fine. Minf you on the way to work I had forgotten my UHF, so I had to turn around to go home. I’m also sensitive to the tones of peoples voices so that didnt help, especially when they became frustrated.
My tea fell off the barrier when it was moved but the person replaced it for me. Didn’t have to but I appreciated it.
If you are having a bad day try and remember you may not be the only one..
Not only do I enjoy writing about words of wisdoms, or little snacks I’ve prepared, but I also enjoy sharing images I have captured or people or places. I had the opportunity to photograph a Hawaiian dance teacher who loves palm trees and flowers.
When you wake up and smell the rose it’s puts your brain in some other dimension. Mindfulness. It allows you to sit back and smile. This week the universe gave us a test that brought on alot of stress, stress we were not prepared for. But we are still surviving and you know not what I am pretty much thankful for the way my partner has been helping me out during my time of ‘survery’ and ‘recovery’. I know the poor me card was drawn a few times by me, which I apologise for cause it’s embarrassing to look back at. But wholy fuck my partner still gets up and goes to work, comes home and gets dinner ready, we have clean clothes and towels cause he washed them all and he is still able to make sure I am okay in my recovery. I mean that’s alot to do on your own whilst the other one is not well and fit. I guess what I am trying to say is, I love the things he is doing to support me during this time for the both of us. One day if I never had to do the same for him I’d do it too because I love him. ❤️🌻 & I am so grateful to have him in my life.
Day 8 of 2021 and I’m just starting to set goals for the year, I really wanted to write them down but I’ve chosen to blog them. DAY EIGHT and I’m just sorting out my new years resolution, possibly a bit late and do people usually share them with others?
New Years Resolution One.
I have decided to go completely sober. I’m doing this for my health, I was never a huge alcohol drinker however since moving out of home I drank a little more than normal. Since being sick in hospital with pancreaitis and gallstones I have decided to cease alcohol. It’s going to be hard as I recently started to drink for the reason of me being sad but I know I am better than that. As a recovering drug addict who is 9 months and 23 days clean I somehow managed to believe alcohol was going to make me happy, instead it was one of many reasons of ended up in hospital, so that’s why I’ve decided to accept this challenge. If I have to go back to my support groups I will.
New Years Resolution Two
Start trauma counselling. Uhm yeah that’s going to be super hard and very emotional.
New Years Resolution Three
Start getting up every morning in my days off work and start walking. Ever since being in hospital I have come to terms on how good walking is good for me and I need to stop being lazy
I will make sure I keep up with my blogging, which may end up being journal entries, hope you don’t mind. Might gain a little insp for yourselves.